And again, when they go before the judge for the literal ending of the marriage, they both will cite financial problems as the cause, because most people do.
But if the love they once shared had been nurtured by sexual satisfaction for both of them, not just the husband (and this always strengthens the bond of love), no financial problems, no problems of any kind, could have split them up.
Sex is much more important than many people give it credit for. Love is the most important part of any relationship, especially marriage, but sex is the deepest expression of that love. And if the love is not being expressed sexually for either partner, the marriage is doomed, either to an eventual divorce or a life full of bitching and fighting, and devoid of joy.
When a husband and wife love each other, sexual pleasure is the cement that holds that marriage together.
My experience with my then-husband was very similar to what I just described. I didn’t say to myself, “I’m not having orgasms, I want a divorce.” What happened was I became cranky, crabby, bitchy, and yelled at my husband, who of course yelled back, and the fights escalated.
Again, so many times in divorce court the husband and wife will tell the judge they fought over money. But the truth is if the love and sex are still there, a tow truck could be repossessing their car in full view of the couple (they obviously have money problems, right?), and the wife will not yell at her husband; she will feel loved and part of the marital “team,” and will work with him to solve their problems.
Back to 1980, in that survey every woman said that she faked it at least some of the time, and the great majority said they faked it every time, just as I did.
After my survey, having found out there was nothing wrong with me, that faking is a universal problem, I came up with my foolproof technique for intercourse (done a little bit different than usual).
In 1994 I did a second survey of married women, this time 1,102 of them.
In this survey, fourteen years after my first one, not all of the women said they faked it; this time many said they don’t even bother to fake it, they just lie there while he has an orgasm, and then they get their husbands to use oral sex or hands to give them one (or the husband gives oral sex or hands to her first; then he has his orgasm in intercourse), which of course won’t have to be done once he learns how to intercourse.
By the way, a husband should not ask his wife if she fakes it—of course she’s going to say no.
She fakes it because she doesn’t want him to know she’s not having an orgasm, and that’s because she loves him, is sensitive to his feelings, instinctively knows how important being a good lover is to him (all we women instinctively know that), and also doesn’t want him to think she’s “frigid” (and of course there’s no such thing as a frigid woman, only a woman whose husband hasn’t learned how to make her “hot!”).
There’s enormous ignorance, and it’s not just fhc husband’s ignorance. If the wife knew what to do, she’d tell him. I was just as ignorant as my husband all those years I was faking it.
So ignorance is to blame for sexual problems, not lack of love.
But several of my questions in the second survey, and the answers, I think, you’ll find very interesting.
I asked, “Would you rather be in control sexually or have your husband in charge?” and 88 percent said husband in charge. Many of the 12 percent who would rather be in control themselves had never had, or hardly ever had, an orgasm. In fact, 11 percent of the 1,102 women surveyed had never had an orgasm.
And 46 percent of the women thought all men are selfish, but 79 percent thought only their husbands were selfish (interesting, no?), which would lead many wives to think of cheating, thinking, “Maybe there’s a guy out there who won’t be selfish like my husband and who will care enough to give me an orgasm because my husband sure doesn’t care” (not realizing, of course, it’s ignorance, not lack of caring).
And 56 percent of the married women replied that they believe some women are frigid. I find this sad because so-called frigidity is only the ignorance of both spouses.
Both my surveys were enlightening and I believe accurate because they were 100 percent anonymous. Many surveys are one-on-one, and I believe most people will not be totally frank when talking to a person, but will be when alone, filling out a form anonymously.
And the one thing I absolutely am positive about is that men are not selfish (even though many women in the survey said “all men are selfish”).
Any man who loves a woman enough to marry her, to want to spend the rest of his life with her, would do anything to give her an orgasm; he just doesn’t know how. But once he learns my technique he and his wife starts having an orgasm every time they make love, both of them will be amazed how their love will grow and how much better I i eir marriage is going to be.
Now, fantasies area part of sexual power are wonderful. They take ordinary experiences mid transform them into imaginative flights to the unknown. They can be exciting, sexy, erotic, stimulating, fun, relaxing—all kinds of different things.
We all fantasize about a new car, a gorgeous mansion, a yacht of our own to take us to our own private tropical island where we’ll never have to work again. Just get up, pick breakfast, swim in the lagoon, laze in the sun, make love, and sleep peaceful sleep under the stars.
Where our fantasies start differing in sex is how we see ourselves. Some men fantasize about power in love, and some women fantasize about liciplessness in love. However, I’ve known men who fantasize about helplessness and are very passive in sex, and I’ve known women who fantasize about power and are very active in sex. And I’m not talking about very weak men and very assertive women.